Where does my mind go once I am dead?

Noah

Where does my mind go once I am dead?
An essay about our consciousness and subconscious, about creating a moment of awareness in this ever-moving world.

Life is weird and so am I

Sometimes it creeps upon me - that feeling of not really being alive, in some kind of way that it feels all surreal. As if we're just persons living under a dome, controlled by a higher power that forces us to do whatever we need to do. There are responsibilities that are implied upon us.

It's almost as we're living, fully set to the automatic pilot, driven by the functioning mechanical embodiment of ourselves without knowing consciously what exactly what we're doing, only why - for that is that we are stuck in a daily routine of survival.

One day, when I was biking, I thought: we are so fragile as human beings, and even though our bodies are strong, we're so mortal and every given moment we are prone to dying, all of sudden.

I am sometimes afraid of death when I realise that I do not know what will happen to my consciousness the moment I die. I fear that after death, there will be no life and no consciousness. Sometimes I imagine death as being asleep, when we're unaware of the fact that we're actually sleeping at that given time. Nothingness. Darkness. Unawareness. Just away from this world, somewhere else; as if we're floating somewhere in the Universe and passed time without us actually remembering we're passing time somewhere in that Universe. A blank. An unknown pitch-black hole. Oblivion.

It is strange.

But what if there is life after death - what happens then? Does that mean we will remain conscious after life after all?

That thought also makes me feel a bit uneasy, because sometimes I am afraid that there will be everlasting consciousness once being dead and that we will live on, somewhere in another form of life, or in another world.

I'm uncertain if I'm ready to remain conscious forever, or, on the other hand, not ever to be conscious ever again.

It is merely the thought, the fact of being aware of your consciousness, that makes you conscious and thus anxious, I suppose, of once losing that consciousness - that consciousness being yours and somewhat of under your control, and maybe therefore being responsible for your consciousness (as being in control of something comes with great responsibility) feels like a burden of the free will not to feel free of that constant consciousness and awareness of one's self. It's sometimes hard to switch between 'on' and 'off'.

Ignorance is bliss

Ignorance is bliss, only when it suggest that we're able to feel unconscious - or, unaware, if you will - of ourselves and the world around us, the constant going on of things and events, the dreadful moving forward in time, never to ever pause or go back, at certain points in our daily lives. The moments when we sense that unawareness of time being, the moments when we don't really know what we're consciously doing, are the moments we find rest in our busy lives.
However, as we know, ignorance is not bliss in this sense of thinking. It means not being aware of the fact that we're alive and not machines, but human beings. This ignorance-is-blissful-thinking, makes us move along with the never ending stream of resting. We experience life as a merry-go-round that never stops. We move forward, complete task after task, only to occupy ourselves with more tasks afterwards. This goes on day in, day out. We complete our daily tasks without asking why we do them and have responsibilities we don't consciously think about.

It sometimes happens that, while we're riding the ever-moving Train Of Life, or the never stopping merry-go-round, we get struck by lightning - the moment we get struck, we open our eyes and look around us, we see life and the tasks we're doing, and we question everything at that very moment.

It is usually for a short moment when we experience a little existential crisis within ourselves, because we don't want it to last too long - we cannot handle the responsibility and the burden of the thought, the awareness, of the fact that we're actually living life with eyes shut. It is too confronting to be aware of the fact that we're living life within the boundaries set out for us, carrying responsibilities that are implied upon us, and living without thinking. We don't like that fleet moment of consciousness that causes us to feel a tad bit lost in the middle of the Big World and makes us question all of our life choices and the things that we're doing.

Now, what is really important to us and what is the essence of life? What is our purpose? What is our personal quest, our mission?

We start to question things we used to be very certain about, which causes us to feel insecure and seeking, dwelling around in an unknown forest, searching for the path that leads us back to our daily routine.

Nobody likes insecurity and the feeling of being utterly alone and lost in a so-called internal conflict we experience every now and then. We try to push the thought of having to deal with this conflict away. We resign, give in to the routine and proceed life again as if nothing happened and eventually the unsettling consciousness fades, awaiting the next time it can pop up into our minds again.

Looking for answers

It is a great task to find the right balance between being aware and unaware. It is presented as a good thing to live in the Here And Now, not thinking (too much) about the future. We have many ways to practise mindfulness and there are a lot of meditation techniques that helps us clear the mind and feel connected to ourselves again.

However it is tiring too, to be aware of the world around us all the time. Sometimes it is just too much to process. Imagine being aware of everything around you all the time, every day. That wouldn't be healthy, nor even possible due to overstimulation. There are so many more impulses nowadays and we're expected to be always available. (I'll discuss this later on, see: Being present all the time hurts my head).

Sometimes we just don't want to think too much about the world around us and why things are happening, why things are like they are and why I feel the way I feel. It is easier sometimes to shut out everything around me and to withdraw to my inner world. Retreat to only my mind, focussing on the task I am doing now. We just sometimes want to enjoy the simple joys of life, without thinking too much about them. And we don't always have to seek a hidden (and maybe a non-existing) meaning behind things that happen to us - whether they are positive or negative things.

There is not always an obvious reason that can justify why things happen. We don't always get answers to our lifelong questions and in order not to go mental, we have to accept that.

There are so many different methods or ways, mediums that people reach out to in order to seek comfort. They hope that religions, philosophies, science, oracles, or mythologies can give them answers to questions they themselves are unable to answer. Like I said before, people don't like to feel uncertain, seeking and insecure. We want to know why things are like they are and how things were formed like they were.

That's where it gets difficult. There is an incoming headache. Thinking about all these things, about concepts of being, about the Universe and different species that might exist out there too, exhaust our fragile minds. Yes, it is very interesting to think about what the purpose of life is and to think about life after death, but we are not bound to find a solid answer to those questions ever. There, of course, are speculations and so-called 'answers' implied by religions around the world to those questions which are meant to reassure people of their meaning of life and what happens after that.

Because it was once written in a Holy Book, it must be true; we no longer have to think for ourselves, because we already have all the answers we need. It eases our headache since we no longer have to ponder ourselves; the thinking is already done by others (and since they were important people and saints, they must tell the truth, they cannot be doubted) and they tell us what is Right and what is Wrong and how I am expected to be living my life rightfully in order to go to Heaven, because nobody wants to spend their afterlife in an eternal burning Inferno.

But wait, what about you and your divination methods yourself?

Being present all the time hurts my head

In today's society we must be available at all times and we're overwhelmed by the amount of impulses we receive every minute of our lives. It is nothing but exhausting and very annoying, if you ask me. I hate the fact that we ought to be on the radar 24/7 and always online. Therefore it is not strange that a lot of people long for quietness and mindfulness, comforting silence and no impulses or whatsoever. Our eyes are glued to our screens and our ears are always filled with melodies. Silence is a rare thing and so is headspace.

People get easily offended when they're being left on read, or when a certain person doesn't respond to their corny meme within ten seconds. We are living in a crazy fast-moving world and we expect others to live like that too. We project our expectations onto others and get offended or upset if they don't live up to these expectations and the worst of all is: we take things personal, and then again, way too personal. But it is okay if someone doesn't feel like talking to you - this doesn't imply it is a personal matter; most times not at all. We just need to spend time offline and in solitude too. Otherwise we would go mad. Being online all the time is not good, instead it causes me to waste a lot of time and sometimes, when lucky, I get a free headache too.

Here And Now

I get struck by lightning at times when I am travelling, mostly. Sitting inside a train cabin, on a somewhat comfortable chair (depending on the type of train), looking outside the window, gazing upon the quick-moving world that passes me. At those times I tend to feel aware of life itself; of life that passes me, time that goes on and on, and yet I feel completely still. I feel being in the moment; only the thought and awareness of myself sitting in the train, on this chair, looking outside, knowingly that there exists a world outside of mine and that other people live on the same planet as I do, only that thought counts at that very moment. The only thought, the only thing that matters and makes me realise, that makes me feel still, as if the time does stop for a moment.

It is a weird sensation. I feel utterly alone, yet happy and serene. Alone, but not lonely. Alone, because I often think I am the only one who feels this way, knowingly I must be incorrect, but it does feel like I only share this sensation within myself, and not with the other persons who are sitting in the same cabin as me. I sometimes ask myself whether the other passengers feel the same, when I see them looking outside of the windows, as if they're looking for a sign. Maybe they are just bored, maybe they are lost in their thoughts as well. Most people are on their phones nowadays, or doing other things while they wait until they have arrived at their destination. Trust me when I tell you they're missing out on life and a (usually) beautiful scenery.

I get emotional when I sense me being conscious about the Here And Now. Especially on sunny days, while on the train, gazing outside and seeing the country, the green grass and trees around me, swiftly fleeting away. I usually feel thankful, fulfilled and whole, complete. Nothing else matters, only that thought of consciousness I experience. I could die a happy woman.

Other times when I sense this feeling, this mindset, it is when I'm outdoors, spending time in nature; or when I'm with friends and I feel thankful for being with them in the moment. Sometimes it occurs when I am all alone in solitude but not lonely, feeling present. Being by myself, with myself, sensing my emotions and feeling my body moving under my command.

Drugs are nice too

Another thing that makes you feel like being in the present, are drugs. Or at least, maybe partly; or just in another sense. As I don't have a lot of experience with drugs, I wouldn't be able to tell you if this goes for all kind of substances, but for I know MDMA made me really feel present in the Here And Now. Since I could feel the music flowing through my body, I felt super aware of myself and my flowing movements. I felt close to myself. I often close my eyes while dancing to focus completely on my ecstatic feelings and my dancing that seems to happen all automatically, without having to think about it. I felt like everything was connected to each other, and yet I felt like being very much in solitude by myself, just dancing and feeling the music, nothing else being there. Me being in my very own bubble of happiness.

I cannot imagine someone on drugs who could not feel connected to themselves and being in the present very moment.

What about (optimistic) nihilism?

I get very nihilistic every now and then, and it usually swifts between optimistic nihilism and your good ol' nihilism. I only recently learnt about optimistic nihilism, really, but when I learnt about it I figured I had been shifting between the two from time to time. I think the two go hand in hand in my case, but I haven't figured out yet.
Nihilism is scary and dangerous, yet I find a lot of comfort in these internalized patterns. It almost has become a part of me, but I know I am not my nihilistic thoughts - that is something important we are ought to remember and know: we are not our thoughts, nor our behaviours.

I've noticed that I get nihilistic as soon as I get slightly depressed. At those times I cannot stand my consciousness at all and it feels like a burden. At those times I usually feel completely empty or miserable and I'm prone to seek ways not to feel anything negative anymore, but just to be there. When I feel empty, I want distraction. When I'm just being, I want to feel something. Sometimes I don't want to feel at all and be numb, but also feeling numb and just being is dreadful and unbearable.
Being conscious of your existence and feeling horrible and empty and apathetic at the same time is a great responsibility I find hard to handle. It's not always clear why I feel that way, but I hate feeling like that. If I knew why I would feel that certain way, I could carry the responsibility to change that feeling, if I would be able to.

Maybe sometimes life just gets too much for us to handle and we sink back into the black pit of despair, and then we're left with nothing but uneasy and confronting feelings that we cannot or do not want to face. It causes friction and it demands us to consciously ask ourselves why we feel like that and since we don't like those feelings, we are ought to act on that and change it into something else less tormenting.
Oblivion (or nihilism) can be really comforting. Because of nihilism we don't have to take responsibility for our own feelings. And we don't really see an urge to change that state of mind, those feelings, either, since it doesn't matter; nothing matters from the perspective of nihilism, that is what it makes it so dangerous. And that would mean that dying wouldn't be a threat to us, because it doesn't bother us if we die and if there is life after death or not. Those things are irrelevant.

Until death do us part

Back to the original topic - that being consciousness. I'm not sure what to think of the afterlife. I wouldn't be able to say whether I'd prefer to remain conscious forever or to never ever be conscious again once I am dead. It doesn't help if you're a bit of a FOMO-type of person, either. But it kind of feels like a burden too, imagining that I will have to put up with myself eternally, even in the afterlife. Being constantly aware of your existence beyond death, that sounds quite exhausting already. Life's already full of struggles, I'm not sure if I'm ready to live on longer than an average human life. What a great responsibility that must be, too.

What do we know about past lives? I don't know too much about past lives to be fair, but I do believe there is such thing as our past lives. I wonder how many times we would change lives. Is there such thing as a maximum of lives we can live? What happens after?

While writing all this, I am aware of the fact that I'll never get an answer to this question, but I like to think about this all. Maybe it's a bit ironic now that I feel afraid of death sometimes, while I used to want to die when I was feeling nihilistic and depressed. Once you know how amazing and wonderful life can be, it is scary and a threat knowing that this can be gone in a split second. Life can be taken away from you so easily, which makes it valuable.

On the other hand, I think I could die peacefully right now. I would mainly feel bad for my loved ones who would be left behind. I think I have accepted the fact that we all die and that death is inevitable. We eventually return to the earth and start to decompose, leaving our physical bodies behind. What happens after, that I do not know.

I believe in spirits and them being able to communicate with us through different mediums. I've read and heard stories about people being able to see spirits, asking them to help them get into the Afterworld, or what it may be called, where they can seek eternal rest.

What would this mean for our consciousness? Would it mean we will eventually find peace and serenity at last? Our last destination, and our spirits dissolving into nothingness, leaving us to sleep forever without us being aware of it? Would this mean we will be reunited with our loved ones that have passed away before us?

I don't think there is such thing as Heaven and Hell. It gives me chills to think about what is, instead. I think it must remain a mystery, because I think knowing what is bound to happen after death, would cause too much chaos after all. I think I'll just have to see for myself one day what will happen. And in the meanwhile these wandering thoughts can provide me a good and somewhat intellectual conversation topic to bring up at parties, while being under influence of alcohol and nicotine. That is all I can do for now.