Heartbeats (and fear)

Freddie

Sometimes when I'm lying in bed and just about to fall asleep my heart will start racing. It literally lasts around about three seconds. But in this tiny lapse of time and space my whole being just drowns into fear. And it is so out of the blue.

I had (still have) no clue at all and I'm pretty curious, so my mind started seeking for answers. But seeking them made me find multiple possibilities. There were so many possibilities, that I did not know which one(s) it is. Now I know that sometimes you just have to accept; you will not understand. Some things just happen because of so many complex and different influences.

Apparently, the sometimes sudden racing of one's heart is a pretty common occurrence. Little did I know. I started wrapping my head around this because the sudden fear feels so intense; it feels for a moment as if I'm going to die.

Fear,

I feel so much fear sometimes,

and I have no idea where it comes from.

I have been worrying a bit about few things, but I do not believe they are the trigger of the fear that comes up at night.

Because that fear feels so intense, but what I worry about, does not.

For now I do not feel I control or have under control that fear,

and that is what I fear most.

It is fear about not having something under (my) control.

Is this a vicious circle?

Are you even real?

You take over my entire being for a few moments.

I would like to receive you with open arms like I do more and more with all other emotions.

you, my friend,

that I still do not quite understand,

are a tough one.

You are here to teach me,

but I forgot how to learn.

For now I just feel this urge to understand where you come from,

I want to believe there is a reason you appear,

because that gives me hope.

Hope to change,

but yes,

for that to happen I think I must understand the source you are born out of.

I would like to grow through you.

My dear Fear,

my fearless teacher,

teach me.